so many things have been looking so futile recently. i hope i'll find a purpose one day. there is a good reason for me to live well: my family and good friends. but i'm trying to find a reason to live well for myself. i want something that's personal. i'm happy with what i have. i am somewhat appreciative, though not as appreciative as i think i should be. i've gotten almost everything i've ever wanted. i have the chance to study something that was (and still is) my first choice. so.. why am i still so unhappy sometimes?

now i'm a lot happier than i was before my recent exam, but there's still an emptiness.. that i thought wouldn't stay. and i wonder how i'll ever fill it. i feel it even during my happiest moments. an acute awareness of something that's missing. is it the optimism that i lost this year? or is it something bigger, more valuable than that? who knows.

but i do know very well that i've lost a lot of my naivety. now i agree with the morbid things that my friends say when i didn't in the past. something has changed. heh. anxiety sucks. a permanent existential crisis sucks too.

as always, i want to end this topic with a happy conclusion.. so,

i'll consciously try to think about happy stuffs! and not mope too much!