Efface

a messy post. compilation of late-night semi-lucidthoughts. documentingexhaustion and fatigue.

Saturday, 15 August 2015 | 0 letters

This was done over ten non-consecutive days.

as the title suggests. this will be a post filled with nothing but late-night thoughts. because i don't want to whine on twitter or to my friends. caveat: there may be some really odd/depressing things posted here. ou've been warned. oh? look all capital letters and punctuations have disappeared. i'm just too tired.

sometimes i wonder why we have to choose between sleep and other equally important aspects of our lives. something has to give, but why? why must we choose between things that we need? according to an article i read ages ago (not rly ages but you sorta float through time in school), the avg amount of sleep each college kid in sk gets is less than 6 hours daily? that's appalling. let's not even begin talking about the health effects that sleep deprivation causes okay. let's talk about the resulting day-to-day mental state and mood thanks to this sleep deprivation.

we have to shoulder some blame too. electronic gadgets and the internet are big distractions. it's partially on us because we generally suck at managing our time.

mainly, though, society's expectations of students and workers are ever increasing. i don't see any solution to this unhealthy work culture in many countries. sure, there are possibilities of wonderful solutions. sadly they are way too whimsical when you consider the context. we're on a one-way road to endless exhaustion. unless our (citizens and government) attitudes change radically, this will last for a long, long time.

good luck, my children. may you find it within yourself to stay positive when you have no energy left to even keep your eyes open.

yes there is no purpose to this post. i am just whining. bye.

ended: 11.50pm

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I am not in a terrible mood these few days. I just feel sort of worn out. I'm used to it. It's quite a familiar feeling. It's customary, actually. It'd be funny if I didn't feel this way. I remember how it felt like in secondary school. This exhaustion has slowly grown over the years, worming its way deeper into my life.

I guess this is what tiredness does to you. You start to dramatize things. Well honestly sometimes I feel that I only have this precariously thin layer of glue holding myself together.

Ended: 10.50pm

(Note: I usually sleep much later than the ended time)

Things are looking slightly better. I can't wait to get my MacBook and create fanvids. Ugh. I have so many feels over so many things that it hurts.

I hope everyone is alright?

Ended: 11.38pm

hello. guess what i'm using to type this post now? my computer! that's why i lazily ignore the caps-lock key. i was writing an essay. you know when you're so done that you stop midway to take a nap? okay, that probably doesn't highlight how done i was feeling, because some people do have that habit. for me, i am slightly averse towards taking naps AND definitely averse towards stopping a task halfway. so. NOW DO U UNDERSTAND how done i was.
UGGGGGGGGH WHY DID I PRESS THE CAPS LOCK.

meowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. i wish my mormors could talk to me. moomin too. buttt i'd only wish for that if i had the option of muting them. god. can you imagine. them prattling on and on while i'm trying to solve a binomial question. wow. much insufferable.

i shall sleep soon after tying up some loose ends. night!

ended: 11.27pm

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now we got bad blood

we used to be mad love

so take a look at what you've done

I'm quite done. Very done. I know I'm going to sound like a spoiled brat who wants everything her way! When life doesn't work that way because life is unfair!

It's really unfortunate that we sometimes /can't/ reciprocate someone else's love even though we know deep down he/she's the best person for us.

It's sad. I feel sadder for the one who can't love the one who'd always love her the best. It's going to be a deep regret.

Ended: 11.44 pm

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Surprise, surprise! This one is being typed out at a really early time! Before 10 pm! Not close to my bedtime. Only posting so early because I think I wouldn't be in a blogging mood later on.

Things are getting stressful! Everyone, press on! I hope we'll all get through this healthily without breaking down too often!

Ended: 9.56 pm

Today has been a bad day. Not phenomenally bad, but probably the worst days this month. I was quite disappointed by my test grades today. Yeah. It's actually a significant test to me because it's linked to my career. So.

I suppose I cut it close. I should be sort of relieved that I even hit the cut-off point because I didn't prepare enough. Meh.

Just a terrible day. My eyes are tired and my mind is foggy. Still, I have many more HW questions (due tomorrow) to complete.

I'm no longer anxious though. At least for now/ this week. I feel like after whatever happened, I realised there's not much reason to be too anxious, because if shit is going to hit the fan, it will. Being anxious will neither delay nor avert it.

What matters is how we respond, with whatever we have right now, however meager or great.

Sounds so preachy. It'll take a long time for me/ many of us to learn that though.

Now that I've shot myself in the foot, the most practical and useful solution would be to salvage the situation.

Sometimes, I really really really really hate my anxiety. It's hard for people without an excess amount of it to understand. It's a part of you. Usually, it's a manifestation of some characteristic of yours. You can't really remove it.

Removing anxiety comes naturally once you truly care LESS or more MODERATELY. I think I need more of that.

Rationality, please take the wheel.

One of the rare days when I want to crumble into someone's arms and let the person see my chaos and maybe tell me how I can fix myself.

The paradoxical thing about anxiety and obsessions in general is that the more you try to stop them, the worse they get. You have to genuinely not care. How.

Ended: 11.41 pm

This is getting scary and stressful. God. I don't know what to do. I don't know what'll happen to me. There is quite a lot at stake now, thanks to the choices I've settled on.

I don't know how. I. My head hurts. I want to sleep. But I have so much to do. So much to work on. So much to salvage.

Ended: 11.49 pm

--

Anyway I accidentally deleted this part of the post, so I have to retype it :/.

I slept 2.5 hours today gehehe. I'm quite awake now. Oddly refreshed. This means I will have to delay my sleeping time by around 2 h haha.

Last night, something horrific occurred to me. I realized (again) that it is important to have a positive attitude towards your work. And know when to tread lightly.

I'm always preaching about how we should learn to be positive and live life happily. But I had never really given much thought to the work-life balance aspect of my life?

I think the oppressive misery I've been feeling these few days finally got to me and slapped me in my face.

God, I refuse to let work monopolize my happiness. There are times when we just have to /let go/ of things. Things out of our control. I'm not saying this to 3/4 of my good friends who actually lack motivation. This is targeted at people who are unduly stressed by work.

These few months, I've been quite miserable. I feel that I'm obliged to do work even when I'm slacking hahaha. Okay most people would be miserable now, because the real exam (read: death) is nigh. It's understandable to be miserable when you are forced to study and study and study and study.

BUT considering the careers/ uni courses im going to undertake in the future, I must learn to adapt to stress and leverage on it instead.

There are times when we have to take a step back, re-evaluate our work-life balance and find out what went awry amidst the flurry.

You can't go on when you are not balancing different aspects of your life decently. It's unsustainable. I wanted to say that the epitome of that is me. But nah my problem isn't that. My problem is that I never learnt to properly manage my stress levels.

My mom told me quite a few times this year, "you're still young. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. You still have many years left. How're you going to survive the rest?"

*screaming intensifies* more years of this. Sounds terrible huh. It would be a lot more bearable if we consciously tried to

1) realise our lifestyles are unhealthy

2) feasible ways to improve them (through action and attitude)

That's all!

Ended: 10.13 pm

i don't know how people can survive on 2 hours of sleep for a few days in a row. that's insane.

i can't do it. ah, it'd be nice if i only needed 2 hours of sleep huh. extra 3 hours per day for work/ fics. so much greatness.

you know what. i have nothing coherent to say. good luck everybody! hold on tight, this is going to be an interminable ride. the end is still far, but getting less far.

here are some quotes i really appreciate right now.

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body. But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up,totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming .... WOW what a ride.

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

ended: 11.23 pm

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Labels: inebriated, Real life, thinky

FREEDOM

Tuesday, 14 July 2015 | 0 letters

Freedom of speech.

Good morning. I'm on the bus, tapping away patiently using my only free hand. It's important to discuss this topic. I've been quite shocked by all the responses I've been receiving! More like horrified actually. Ahaha. /mirthless laughter. So, today I'm going to talk about the wear white movement/ red dot family movement. Sighs. I've been receiving odd/ absurd responses left and right from people around me. I feel this odd urge to laugh but??? No it's not funny.

So before I begin, let me just ask you: what do YOU feel about the wear white movement?

1) I fully support it!
2) I sort of support it!
3) I'm neutral with it. Nothing's wrong. They can do their thing. They are entitled to freedom of speech.
4) I hope it'll cease. It's wrong!

Because if you agree with 1/2/3 (UH lol typo previously) your opinion is invalid and ridiculous. (Well, yes, you seldom hear me saying this).I can understand why certain people fall under those categories but. It's still an invalid opinion. It's hard for me to give a systematic argument because I'm too used to responding to the most common arguments put forth by my friends/ random people! (Also too lazy) So I shall use that familiar format in this post. (I had to stop myself from inserting *sighs* about 10 times in this post)

I feel like I should apologize in advance because many of my good friends' opinions will be refuted here quite bluntly. But. Well. I mean. Just don't take it the wrong way?

•

Aren't they entitled to freedom of expression? I mean, just look at Pink Dot!

No. They are not. There is no complete freedom of expression. We all know that. You shouldn't and (hopefully) don't insult someone without reason, simply because you have "freedom of speech". Sometimes other freedoms and rights precede freedom of speech. In the same vein, the LGBT does not remotely harm society. Tell me, do they actually affect you? This is a discussion I'll continue later in this post. Back to my point, we don't have the right to trample on their right to seek equality, etc via systematic campaigns targeted at squashing people's attempts at fighting for a more inclusive society (refer to wear white movement). Quite obviously, these people should not be accorded the right to broadcast hateful, intolerant views simply because they /stubbornly believe/ the LGBT community is undesirable in our society. When you throw your weight behind such campaigns, you are essentially stripping LGBT of their rights to be treated as equals. You are also entrenching the existing, unwarranted persecution that they receive.

•

But wear white / red dot does not imply that! It just means we want to promote and maintain the healthy nuclear families in society!

Do you hear yourself? Not explicitly expressing your belief that gays and lesbians are undesirable doesn't mean that you aren't implying that. You can sugarcoat your ugly words but your intent will still remain obvious. You don't want them to be treated as equals. Please don't play God. You have no say in this. Remember when you do this, you are impeding society from achieving (more) equality. You are also spreading your ugly, unacceptable beliefs to other people.

•

Why should they be treated as equals? God did not create these people!

There are many interpretations of whatever religious text you're reading so you have to accept the possibility of a different meaning. Above all, religions teach us to love. God/ gods would never want us to hurt others, especially those who have done nothing wrong. Whatever secular reasons you have, they're invalid too.

•

Aren't LGBT undesirable in society?

No. Please don't broach the topic of how they're going to shrink our population because. I don't know where to begin. They don't remotely affect us. We only feel affected because we place ourselves in cages by forcing ourselves to believe that they are damaging to society. We would all be much happier if we begin to accept what may be new to us.

•

That's all. I'm quite tired and I think my post is long enough. I've repeated this many, many times, over the past few days. Don't ever forget that most importantly, no one wants to be hated for being him/herself. (No we are not going to re-trigger the argument of how they were not born this way okay.)

If you choose to not ACTIVELY champion their rights, that's fine.But if you choose to support+propagate anti-LGBT movements and sentiments OR approve that the above are OKAY, then you're committing a mistake.

Let me clarify. By condoning anti-LGBT movements, beliefs, you are also contributing to the problem. You have a moral obligation to (at the very least) not amplify it if you are already informed. Well. If you are still unpersuaded, please talk to someone who could give logical input on this issue.

Labels: thinky

Monster post.

Wednesday, 8 July 2015 | 0 letters

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(under construction, accidentally posted and can't del bc reasons.)

i'd be loved if i were prettier, no?

you are not physically attractive if you don't fit the standard formula

Ello, ello. This part of the post was typed out over two sittings because I wanted to type this out as coherently as possible. Currently, it's 11+ PM and my brain is sort of non-existent after all the mental torture it's been subjected to in the past week. Throughout the examination week, some of these topics kept bugging me. They compelled me to inspect things I'd never really cared about before.

Today, I'm going to talk about something sensitive. It is easy to come off as obtuse and idealistic when discussing this topic that is held very close to many people (including myself).

I shall begin with something that I can personally relate to. Skin tone.

Cultural, social stereotypes and many other well-established causes lead many of us to believe that a fairer skin tone is more physically attractive and desirable in other ways. It is very appealing to just brush this off with a "I don't know how this began." I do. The reasons discomforts and guilt me way too much for me to discuss this currently. So, mark my words, I'll save this discussion for another day.

By now, I am accustomed to receiving remarks about my dark skin tone. They've gotten significantly less negative over the years, thank goodness. In primary school, I received snarky and mean comments on my brown skin. I've never had a healthy self-esteem, so, well. I did wish I was fairer. I thought, I'd be prettier if I were fairer!

In hindsight, that remark is symptomatic of a bigger issue. It's not just one of the many innocuous, silly, superficial thoughts that little kids have. No. It represents the narrow definition of beauty that we often impose on ourselves and others. It is unnecessary and unhealthy.

Until this point, I haven't mentioned other types of physical features we are obsessed with.

Body shape, size.

I was inspired by this post. So! Here! I don't completely agree with the post, but it is a good read. Click me!

Hahaha, it propelled me to begin thinking about this whole issue. This whole debate over body image isn't ignored by me, but it never truly.... captured much of my attention?

It's wrong and noxious on so many levels to preordain what's physically appealing and what's not. Firstly, some people who don't fit the mould would feel /bad/ about themselves simply because they are told that they ARE NOT attractive. Secondly, nothing warrants this silly little box we have decided to place ourselves in. In fact, it just makes many people less happy, no? If we opened our minds to other types of physical beauty standards, there would be greater tolerance, acceptance and happiness in general.

I know. It all sounds overly idealistic. But we can refrain from entrenching this problem if we consciously remind ourselves to be more open-minded. The way we think can be moulded by habits.

It isn't a problem we should or can ignore. Whenever possible, let's encourage tolerance.

I, too, have preferences for certain physical looks. And yes, they often fit the "conventional standard mould". Most of us aren't exempted from this. So it isn't that we can't have preferences. Of course we would. It's instinctual. But let's do our best to be more accepting.

PS I don't feel bad about my skin colour anymore! I've received compliments about its "healthy" shade (lmao) and how "freckles won't ever form on it". The latter is nearly 1/6 of the reason why I no longer wish for a fairer skin tone. Mostly, though, I realised that it really doesn't matter.

Looks do somewhat matter. But they don't, in the long run. Those who love/ care about you because you're physically attractive do not genuinely love you.

Okay, on a side-note, I don't think my skin looks ugly too. I realised my previous paragraph is quite misleading.

Next. This part made me feel disgusted. The essence of this is disturbing.

Oh yeah, back to that link, let me clarify that I don't think diets are necessarily bad. When done in moderation, they're good! When you're healthy, you're happier. (I know this sort of well becuase of all the health stuffs I've been plagued with recently!) It's the best when you're doing it for yourself or just a reason other than to impress people who don't actually matter. Etc "so he'll notice me" "so I can turn heads too".

As always the point of this post is to share my thoughts on something I think is IMPORTANT. And hopefully get youuuuu to think about it if you haven't! Or see it from another POV? Lastly I also just want to suggest a solution to the problem, (nearly) as always in my posts.

Now let me move onto something that also concerns superficiality!

Yknow when we want to look pretty to other people? When we want to be seen as physically attractive by others?

It's. It's not something most of us would be able to resist. Afterall we are wired to be superficial. Still, it's good to remind ourselves occasionally that the very core of this whole desire is gross superficiality. We are gross though. I mean, we're humans, so.

We can't really help it. We just have to stop ourselves from being too obsessed with it. It's not worth losing your mind over your appearance, not when it doesn't make you any more or less smart/ worthy/ kind/ etc etc a person.

Looks matter. They do. But all the hype over it fades away quite quickly with age.

It's time to look into the mirror and think that you're beautiful. An inflated ego is seriously the best bet sometimes. It makes you feel so much less worse about yourself. Easier said than done. However, should you ever feel confused about how to obtain an inflated ego, pls just refer to the great Me. Should I post the lyrics to "Why am I so cool?" Nah it's too cool for the Internet. Ahahahaha. I don't know. All reason and coherency have flown out of the window. It's nearing 1 am and I am so going to regret blogging at this hour AGAIN. I just really want to finish this post becuase it has been plaguing my mind!

I wanted this post to be logical. The way I write depends heavily on my mood and I just feel very blunt right now!!!! So that was easy. I finally ended this post :-(.

Remember! Refrain from perpetuating these stereotypes!

God I wanted to end this with flourish but I'm just a rambling, exhausted mess here. Goodnight.

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Labels: thinky

/silently watches my naïveté chip away

Monday, 15 June 2015 | 0 letters

HELLO! THIS IS SUCH AN ENTHUSIASTIC BEGINNING THAT DOESN'T FIT WHATEVER THAT'S GOING TO FOLLOW.

I'm going to talk about how overrated romantic relationships are! I'd always believed that it would be best to settle down (aka get married) and have a few kids until... some stuffs happened. :/

This gross exaggeration of the goodness of romances can be partially ascribed to how "love" is often used as a synonym to "nearly any romantic relationship". Nope. Love is selfless, unconditional and kind. But most people who are "in love" obviously have not achieved that level. In my mind, I used to think that romantic relationships are actually THAT good? How wrong I was to feel that way. God. Most of the time, we aren't in love, we're just infatuated. Or we are kind of in love. A word so heavy shouldn't be thrown about frivolously.
Also, we ARE in love with the idea of being in love. So naturally it's easy to think too positively of romances.

Contrary to popular belief, it isn't necessarily good to be married. More than half of all marriages are either dysfunctional or fleeting. I wouldn't want to have either of those happen to me because. It sucks to divorce and also it sucks (even more) to be trapped in a loveless matrimony.

So, no. The most reliable loves in your life are your family members and your good friends. Your lover is not someone whom you should depend on for happiness.
Of course, I'm not going to go out of my way to avoid romantic love, but I have my reservations. I have to plunge in knowing well that romantic love is fragile.
Oh, that reminds me. We also tend to think too highly of romance because often we mistake the superficial interest "lovers" often have in each other for love. Infatuation is not love.
It is terribly rare to find the right one for yourself.

Lastly if you dont already know, I'm in the
I HATE PEOPLE!!!!
mood
I swear. I can't wait for the world to be replaced with Moomins! (Yes PLS let me be reborn as Snuffkin or little me or anything in the moomin series that's not human thank you)

Labels: Real life, thinky

Recent developments

Friday, 8 May 2015 | 0 letters

I feel exceptionally upset right now over. I don't know what. And I just want this feeling to pass. I haven't cried this much in a while.

It has been tiring. I'm becoming accustomed to this feeling of fluctuating between being insanely energetic and sluggish.

It hasn't been hell, though. I just. I don't know. I am strangely calm now while writing this. I've been at odds with myself over some of my general negativity towards /everyone/. I know a lot of my annoyance isn't warranted so it disturbs me. I. It's like watching yourself become even more evil? Hopefully after this hectic period, this terrible phase will end. I can already feel it slowly waning, so.

People are so odd. It's nothing new, of course. But it still surprises me very often. We're capable of so much kindness and callousness.

So what are you going to choose? To give in to your inner devil and be mean? Sighs.

Yknow, I'd nearly forgotten how important it is that you surround yourself with good influences. I'm not saying that any of my good friend is toxic. NOPE, they aren't. None of them is evil or mean, at least from what I've observed. Some bad qualities sort of rub off onto you over time though, like heartlessness. Mehhhhhhhhhh.

AND. I have a lot of scattered thoughts in this post on different issues (some stuffs I think about when I'm in a daze).

Like how important it is to be a good parent to your child. My recent volunteer work with kids has reminded me of the fact that whatever you teach them has a lasting impact on them.

Seeing irresponsible and incompetent parents make me so, so angry. I shall adopt a looser definition of "incompetent" here, since if I were to abide by my definition of competency in parents, I think most parents would be considered failures.

There are different levels of terrible parenting. But the worst parents are those who don't raise their kids well simply because they don't care about their kids.

Then, there's another type of parents. This one.... well most parents are like these parents. They make a lot of mistakes when bringing up their children, eg inculcating the wrong values in their children. But they still love their kids and do put in a decent amount of care and effort into raising their little ones.

Let me just bring up one flagrant instance that I see repetitively. I hate it when parents blame their children excessively over some "bad" decisions they made. It's terrible. What are you trying to teach your child? That he's stupid? That he should wallow in regret? I know, it's difficult to not blame the kid at all. But do so moderately. Shouldn't you be providing constructive advice instead? Because I would want my kid to salvage the situation instead of crying over spilt milk.

Really. I could enumerate many, many examples but I'm lazy now. Also, there's no need to do that because we all know examples of poor parenting.

I always say this. But I'm going to say this again. This doesn't mean that I'm someone who's wise and competent enough to be a good parent. You don't have to be good at something to point out glaring errors though.

I just hope people will properly consider if they want + ready to raise a child well before conceiving one. It's not something to be taken lightly. There are many trials in life that your child would have to (suffer) through. And childhood plays a big part in moulding some lifelong characteristics. So please don't be selfish, if you have the autonomy to make an informed decision regarding this.

Adults aren't necessarily more mature than children too. Oh well. Having many terrible parents around is inadvertent.

Children have so much more than grown-ups have. I wish we could preserve most of their GOOD qualities like their creativity. Interacting with many kids recently makes me realise how easy it is for an adult to squelch a child's imagination. What an immeasurable crime.

I'm still trying to not make that mistake often. So. Let's open our minds and stop (irrationally) instinctively deriding anything that /only seems/ ridiculous.

Dear self, please, if you ever be a parent, do your best to be a good one to your child.

Labels: Real life, thinky