a messy post. compilation of late-night semi-lucidthoughts. documentingexhaustion and fatigue.
Saturday, 15 August 2015 | 0 letters
This was done over ten non-consecutive days.
as the title suggests. this will be a post filled with nothing but late-night thoughts. because i don't want to whine on twitter or to my friends. caveat: there may be some really odd/depressing things posted here. ou've been warned. oh? look all capital letters and punctuations have disappeared. i'm just too tired.
sometimes i wonder why we have to choose between sleep and other equally important aspects of our lives. something has to give, but why? why must we choose between things that we need? according to an article i read ages ago (not rly ages but you sorta float through time in school), the avg amount of sleep each college kid in sk gets is less than 6 hours daily? that's appalling. let's not even begin talking about the health effects that sleep deprivation causes okay. let's talk about the resulting day-to-day mental state and mood thanks to this sleep deprivation.
we have to shoulder some blame too. electronic gadgets and the internet are big distractions. it's partially on us because we generally suck at managing our time.
mainly, though, society's expectations of students and workers are ever increasing. i don't see any solution to this unhealthy work culture in many countries. sure, there are possibilities of wonderful solutions. sadly they are way too whimsical when you consider the context. we're on a one-way road to endless exhaustion. unless our (citizens and government) attitudes change radically, this will last for a long, long time.
good luck, my children. may you find it within yourself to stay positive when you have no energy left to even keep your eyes open.
yes there is no purpose to this post. i am just whining. bye.
ended: 11.50pm
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hello. guess what i'm using to type this post now? my computer! that's why i lazily ignore the caps-lock key. i was writing an essay. you know when you're so done that you stop midway to take a nap? okay, that probably doesn't highlight how done i was feeling, because some people do have that habit. for me, i am slightly averse towards taking naps AND definitely averse towards stopping a task halfway. so. NOW DO U UNDERSTAND how done i was.
UGGGGGGGGH WHY DID I PRESS THE CAPS LOCK.
meowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. i wish my mormors could talk to me. moomin too. buttt i'd only wish for that if i had the option of muting them. god. can you imagine. them prattling on and on while i'm trying to solve a binomial question. wow. much insufferable.
i shall sleep soon after tying up some loose ends. night!
ended: 11.27pm
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Ended: 11.49 pm
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i don't know how people can survive on 2 hours of sleep for a few days in a row. that's insane.
i can't do it. ah, it'd be nice if i only needed 2 hours of sleep huh. extra 3 hours per day for work/ fics. so much greatness.
you know what. i have nothing coherent to say. good luck everybody! hold on tight, this is going to be an interminable ride. the end is still far, but getting less far.
here are some quotes i really appreciate right now.
ended: 11.23 pm
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sometimes i wonder why we have to choose between sleep and other equally important aspects of our lives. something has to give, but why? why must we choose between things that we need? according to an article i read ages ago (not rly ages but you sorta float through time in school), the avg amount of sleep each college kid in sk gets is less than 6 hours daily? that's appalling. let's not even begin talking about the health effects that sleep deprivation causes okay. let's talk about the resulting day-to-day mental state and mood thanks to this sleep deprivation.
we have to shoulder some blame too. electronic gadgets and the internet are big distractions. it's partially on us because we generally suck at managing our time.
mainly, though, society's expectations of students and workers are ever increasing. i don't see any solution to this unhealthy work culture in many countries. sure, there are possibilities of wonderful solutions. sadly they are way too whimsical when you consider the context. we're on a one-way road to endless exhaustion. unless our (citizens and government) attitudes change radically, this will last for a long, long time.
good luck, my children. may you find it within yourself to stay positive when you have no energy left to even keep your eyes open.
yes there is no purpose to this post. i am just whining. bye.
ended: 11.50pm
--
I am not in a terrible mood these few days. I just feel sort of worn out. I'm used to it. It's quite a familiar feeling. It's customary, actually. It'd be funny if I didn't feel this way. I remember how it felt like in secondary school. This exhaustion has slowly grown over the years, worming its way deeper into my life.
I guess this is what tiredness does to you. You start to dramatize things. Well honestly sometimes I feel that I only have this precariously thin layer of glue holding myself together.
Ended: 10.50pm
(Note: I usually sleep much later than the ended time)
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Things are looking slightly better. I can't wait to get my MacBook and create fanvids. Ugh. I have so many feels over so many things that it hurts.
I hope everyone is alright?
Ended: 11.38pm
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hello. guess what i'm using to type this post now? my computer! that's why i lazily ignore the caps-lock key. i was writing an essay. you know when you're so done that you stop midway to take a nap? okay, that probably doesn't highlight how done i was feeling, because some people do have that habit. for me, i am slightly averse towards taking naps AND definitely averse towards stopping a task halfway. so. NOW DO U UNDERSTAND how done i was.
UGGGGGGGGH WHY DID I PRESS THE CAPS LOCK.
meowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. i wish my mormors could talk to me. moomin too. buttt i'd only wish for that if i had the option of muting them. god. can you imagine. them prattling on and on while i'm trying to solve a binomial question. wow. much insufferable.
i shall sleep soon after tying up some loose ends. night!
ended: 11.27pm
--
now we got bad blood
we used to be mad love
so take a look at what you've done
I'm quite done. Very done. I know I'm going to sound like a spoiled brat who wants everything her way! When life doesn't work that way because life is unfair!
It's really unfortunate that we sometimes /can't/ reciprocate someone else's love even though we know deep down he/she's the best person for us.
It's sad. I feel sadder for the one who can't love the one who'd always love her the best. It's going to be a deep regret.
Ended: 11.44 pm
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Surprise, surprise! This one is being typed out at a really early time! Before 10 pm! Not close to my bedtime. Only posting so early because I think I wouldn't be in a blogging mood later on.
Things are getting stressful! Everyone, press on! I hope we'll all get through this healthily without breaking down too often!
Ended: 9.56 pm
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Today has been a bad day. Not phenomenally bad, but probably the worst days this month. I was quite disappointed by my test grades today. Yeah. It's actually a significant test to me because it's linked to my career. So.
I suppose I cut it close. I should be sort of relieved that I even hit the cut-off point because I didn't prepare enough. Meh.
Just a terrible day. My eyes are tired and my mind is foggy. Still, I have many more HW questions (due tomorrow) to complete.
I'm no longer anxious though. At least for now/ this week. I feel like after whatever happened, I realised there's not much reason to be too anxious, because if shit is going to hit the fan, it will. Being anxious will neither delay nor avert it.
What matters is how we respond, with whatever we have right now, however meager or great.
Sounds so preachy. It'll take a long time for me/ many of us to learn that though.
Now that I've shot myself in the foot, the most practical and useful solution would be to salvage the situation.
Sometimes, I really really really really hate my anxiety. It's hard for people without an excess amount of it to understand. It's a part of you. Usually, it's a manifestation of some characteristic of yours. You can't really remove it.
Removing anxiety comes naturally once you truly care LESS or more MODERATELY. I think I need more of that.
Rationality, please take the wheel.
One of the rare days when I want to crumble into someone's arms and let the person see my chaos and maybe tell me how I can fix myself.
The paradoxical thing about anxiety and obsessions in general is that the more you try to stop them, the worse they get. You have to genuinely not care. How.
Ended: 11.41 pm
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This is getting scary and stressful. God. I don't know what to do. I don't know what'll happen to me. There is quite a lot at stake now, thanks to the choices I've settled on.
I don't know how. I. My head hurts. I want to sleep. But I have so much to do. So much to work on. So much to salvage.
Ended: 11.49 pm
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Anyway I accidentally deleted this part of the post, so I have to retype it :/.
I slept 2.5 hours today gehehe. I'm quite awake now. Oddly refreshed. This means I will have to delay my sleeping time by around 2 h haha.
Last night, something horrific occurred to me. I realized (again) that it is important to have a positive attitude towards your work. And know when to tread lightly.
I'm always preaching about how we should learn to be positive and live life happily. But I had never really given much thought to the work-life balance aspect of my life?
I think the oppressive misery I've been feeling these few days finally got to me and slapped me in my face.
God, I refuse to let work monopolize my happiness. There are times when we just have to /let go/ of things. Things out of our control. I'm not saying this to 3/4 of my good friends who actually lack motivation. This is targeted at people who are unduly stressed by work.
These few months, I've been quite miserable. I feel that I'm obliged to do work even when I'm slacking hahaha. Okay most people would be miserable now, because the real exam (read: death) is nigh. It's understandable to be miserable when you are forced to study and study and study and study.
BUT considering the careers/ uni courses im going to undertake in the future, I must learn to adapt to stress and leverage on it instead.
There are times when we have to take a step back, re-evaluate our work-life balance and find out what went awry amidst the flurry.
You can't go on when you are not balancing different aspects of your life decently. It's unsustainable. I wanted to say that the epitome of that is me. But nah my problem isn't that. My problem is that I never learnt to properly manage my stress levels.
My mom told me quite a few times this year, "you're still young. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. You still have many years left. How're you going to survive the rest?"
*screaming intensifies* more years of this. Sounds terrible huh. It would be a lot more bearable if we consciously tried to
1) realise our lifestyles are unhealthy
2) feasible ways to improve them (through action and attitude)
That's all!
Ended: 10.13 pm
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i don't know how people can survive on 2 hours of sleep for a few days in a row. that's insane.
i can't do it. ah, it'd be nice if i only needed 2 hours of sleep huh. extra 3 hours per day for work/ fics. so much greatness.
you know what. i have nothing coherent to say. good luck everybody! hold on tight, this is going to be an interminable ride. the end is still far, but getting less far.
here are some quotes i really appreciate right now.
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body. But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up,totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming .... WOW what a ride.
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
ended: 11.23 pm
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Labels: inebriated, Real life, thinky
